Racker Donnelly
Racker Donnelly
HAPPY PAPPY
In the Good Old Days, in what's still a bakery called Molloys,
My Grandad, Andy O'Connor, was Bray's Baker - "BOYS OH BOYS!"
He survived three wives. Oh, the ladies caught his fancy.
And he'd four high-maintenance daughters:
Eileen, Cora, Lucy, and my Mum, Nancy.
So he dreamed up a sure-fire money-making scheme:
RAMS, EWES AND LAMBS, I'LL TAKE FROM MY COUNTY,
GALWAY, TO SLAKE THEIR FILL,
ON THE SUMPTUOUS BOUNTY
OF A WICKLOW HILL.
THEY'LL THRIVE AND SWELL LIKE YEAST,
ON THE LUSH, PLUSH, PAMPERED PASTURES OF THE EAST!
They swelled like woolly balloons. They failed to thrive.
Soon, not a Western beast was left alive.
The grass was classy, but, Alas, too gassy for the Galway chassis.
And the swollen souls of the home-sick sheep
flew Westward Ho to eternal sleep.
Unhappy Pappy found that sheep'll
let you down, and so will people.
For, in those days, Bakers extended extended credit,
and, if you've a further tear to shed, here's where to shed it.
For the mean and minjy, serene and stingy,
begrudging tight-fisters of Bray
were so slow to pay,
Good Old Grandad went bust!
A Baker, left, bereft, without a crust ...
Till he met pretty Kitty,
his fine, final wife,
who kept him in clover the rest of his life!
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DESPERATION [a sonnet]
Oh, It's easy to find a randy man,
a brandy man or a shandy man.
But where can you find a handyman?
That's what I need to know!
Has every glazier turned lazier?
Is every sparks in the doomy dark?
Your plumber, off in search of summer?
All chippies, up the Mississippi?
And where did all the all-rounders go?
Is what I want to know.
I know I should do the job myself,
but then I remember my latest shelf,
which slumps if you put anything on it.
But it'll do. (Likewise my sonnet.)
My 2001 transcription of the Irish National Anthem in Irish into English words:
shin-naff-Ian naff-foil
add-thaw Fay-owl egg-Aaron
boo-weaned-Thor slew-a
hard-thin the-raw Nick-who-wing
Fay-void fez-sayer
shan't-hear or shin-sheer fast-the
knee auk-fur
faint-hear-raw gnaw-faint-royal
a-nook-the hay-am
sieve-are naff-vale
leggy-Ann air-Gael
come-bosh nose-sale
leg-gun ash-crake
fail-law-fug nab-Bill-lair
shawl-leave Connie
our-raw naff-Ian!
And here's my free version in English
of the Irish text:
Citizens are we,
whose love is pledged to Ireland.
Some
have come
From away across the sea.
Sworn to be free!
No more our land of Ireland
shall shelter the tyrant or the slave.
Today
we're ready for the fray.
In Ireland's cause,
the weak are strong.
Though traitors sneer
and cowards fear,
we'll sing the Irish Song!
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My 2001 transcription of the Irish National Anthem in Irish into English words:
shin-naff-Ian naff-foil
add-thaw Fay-owl egg-Aaron
boo-weaned-Thor slew-a
hard-thin the-raw Nick-who-wing
Fay-void fez-sayer
shan't-hear or shin-sheer fast-the
knee auk-fur
faint-hear-raw gnaw-faint-royal
a-nook-the hay-am
sieve-are naff-vale
leggy-Ann air-Gael
come-bosh nose-sale
leg-gun ash-crake
fail-law-fug nab-Bill-lair
shawl-leave Connie
our-raw naff-Ian!
And here's my free version in English
of the Irish text:
Citizens are we,
whose love is pledged to Ireland.
Some
have come
From away across the sea.
Sworn to be free!
No more our land of Ireland
shall shelter the tyrant or the slave.
Today
we're ready for the fray.
In Ireland's cause,
the weak are strong.
Though traitors sneer
and cowards fear,
we'll sing the Irish Song!
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NIGHT VISITORS, MELBOURNE
Before the dawn, a flurry …
a scurry.
Mouse? Rat?
Possum? Wombat?
WHOOSH!
Out of the hearth - a Bat?
Flapping overhead!
Out of the bed,
we fled.
What to do?
God,
there's TWO!
Birds? Black birds in flight,
scattering soot 'n' shite ...
Call Pest Control? Our guests
don't qualify as pests ...
We open a tiny window but they scoff
at our gentle invitation to piss off.
Preferring to assail a wider window,
they batter the frantic windowpane in vain ...
We
contact a local ornithologist. She
winds windowframe ajar.
A bird escapes - HOORAH!
But where's its mate?
Flew back up flue?
Out tiny window?
I don't care - Do you?
We humbly mumble Thanks to neighbour,
almost lost for words,
thinking: Damn you, Alfred Hitchcock,
Why did you make THE BIRDS?
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IN MALAHIDE
(a seaside town to the North of Dublin)
In Malahide, long years ago,
from a tennis club, I was told to go,
for digging with a Papish foot.
(I felt like Adam when the gate was shut.)
In Malahide, in the Grand Hotel,
which wasn't grand then, or posh, or swell,
the rooms were haunted, the grounds were wild,
a magical world for an ageing child.
In Malahide, at the Grand Hotel,
my sister's do, I remember well;
and the nun who'd just jumped over the wall,
who didn't behave like a nun at all.
In Malahide, a kindly priest
saw me becoming a sensual beast:
If you don't give up helping yourself,
you'll end up in Hell, on the bachelor shelf.
In Malahide, I fell in love,
and flew in my mind to the stars above.
She hailed from Glasgow. My heart, I lent her.
(Her mother returned the letter I sent her.)
In Malahide, I found Romance.
In Malahide, I lost my pants:
swept out to sea on the ebbing tide!
Just a tiny towel. (I nearly died.)
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CUSTOMER COMPLAINT
A tale or a song, even a folk song,
needn't go on and on, a cause of grief. Be brief.
Bow to the listener, a thoughtful grovel.
A story, yes - but not, please not, a novel.
Edit. If it's half-sheddable, shed it.
There's no disgrace in cutting to the chase.
Oh hear my heartfelt cry, my frenzied dictum:
I'm here as a paying guest - not as a victim.
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Songs for UnGays
to sing at Gay Weddings
to the tune of
Owed to Gay
(1)
NOT DROWNING BUT WIVING
We are not Gay,
but, if we were,
instead of Him,
we'd marry Her.
Instead of Jim,
we'd marry Jane.
No more to swim
against the grain.
No to Man,
and Yes to Woman.
This has been
a long time comin'.
Wife and Wife
may cut down strife.
Two spoons, no knife:
a Hope of Life!
(2)
HYMN
We are not Gay,
but, if we were,
we'd marry Him
instead of Her.
Instead of Her,
we'd marry Him.
Instead of Jane,
we'd marry Jim.
Forsaking Woman,
taking Man,
we'd sing a Hymn,
and not a Hyrrh.
We'd love each other
gaily,
daily -
and we'd call each other,
Sir!
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TRICKY VERBS
A 12-stanza sequence
of 75 irregular verbs,
which includes all the ones
that broadsheets, broadcasters
& English-learners tend to get wrong,
& shows that irregular verbs
are not that irregular.
It can also be used as a series of mantras,
a cure for insomnia,
or notes for an autobiographical novel.
1
I drink, I drank, I have drunk.
I shrink, I shrank, I have shrunk.
I stink, I stank, I have stunk.
I sink, I sank, I have sunk.
2
You sing, you sang, you have sung.
You spring, you sprang, you have sprung.
You ring with an R, you rang, you have rung.
You wring with a W, you wrung, you have wrung.
You swing, you swung, you have swung.
3
He comes, he came, he has come.
He swims, he swam, he has swum.
He draws, he drew, he has drawn.
He saws, he sawed, he has sawn.
He shines, he shone, he has shone.
He goes, he went, he has gone.
4
She knows, she knew, she has known.
She blows, she blew, she has blown.
She throws, she threw, she has thrown.
She grows, she grew, she has grown.
She sews with an E, she sewed, she has sewn.
She sows with an O, she sowed, she has sown.
She shows, she showed, she has shown.
She mows, she mowed, she has mown.
6
You swell, you swelled, you have swollen.
You steal, you stole, you have stolen.
You do, you did, you have done.
You spin, you spun, you have spun.
You run, you ran, you have run.
You win, you won, you have won.
7
They eat, they ate, they have eaten.
They beat, they beat, they have beaten.
They slay, they slew, they have slain.
They lie (down), they lay, they have lain.
They see, they saw, they have seen.
They are, they were, they have been.
They break, they broke, they have broken.
They wake, they woke, they have woken.
They speak, they spoke, they have spoken.
8
I wear, I wore, I have worn.
I tear, I tore, I have torn.
I swear, I swore, I have sworn.
I hide, I hid, I have hidden.
I ride, I rode, I have ridden.
I take, I took, I have taken.
I shake, I shook, I have shaken.
I forsake, I forsook, I have forsaken.
9
You feel, you felt, you have felt.
You deal, you dealt, you have dealt.
You mean, you meant, you have meant.
You send, you sent, you have sent.
You creep, you crept, you have crept.
You keep, you kept, you have kept.
You sleep, you slept, you have slept.
10
He buys, he bought, he has bought.
He brings, he brought, he has brought.
He fights, he fought, he has fought.